Wednesday July 13th 2005.(very early 5am)
Since I last wrote, over the last few days everything has just gone on as normal whatever normal is...smiles. Although, dad has complained a little more about some pain in his tummy and round about his left ribs, he's also been coughing more and sounds chesty. Dr Driver was due to visit sometime this week but with him having the pain and the cough we asked if she could call yesterday (tuesday).
She checked him over and couldn't find anything significantly wrong with his tummy or his ribs but she thought he might have a slight chest infection so prescribed some antibiotics also some stronger painkillers in case the ones he's taking stops working as good at some point she also gave him some morphine syrup but that is only to take when the stronger painkillers don't seem to be working after an hour.
He got an appointment through the other day to go to the hospital for a check up we don't know if it is for a follow up of the radiotherapy or a check up for the 2 weeks he stayed in hospital as it's the same doctor that he saw while in there and who also did the radiotherapy. I asked the dr while she was here if the appointment was nessersary she thought in her opinion it wasn't as it wouldn't be fair to pull and push dad around only to be told what we already know that there's nothing else they can do but she still asked dad if he wanted to go and he said "no, no more hospitals" and at that point he became tearful the dr was brilliant she calmly talked to him about his feelings about dying asking if he was afraid to die which he said he wasn't but she still went on to say that there's no need to be and generally talked about meeting other members of the family again and that there would be a great big party once he got there. Dad isn't religious and has never been to church other then for births, deaths or marriages but the dr said that if he thought it would help to talk then our local vicar/minister would visit and chat with him he said he would think about it.
About an hour after she had left dad broke down again personally I think after his chat with the dr it is now starting to sink in and that he's finally realising that this is the end I asked did he want to see a minister and he said he was still thinking about it, in a way I hope he does as I feel it would help but that could be because I do believe in an afterlife and there is something better when we die but he might not so I won't push the subject unless he wants to.
I checked on him a couple of times in the night and the last time at 2.20am he was awake I asked him if he was okay and he said he couldn't sleep so I said I would sit and chat with him for a while, I made him a hot milky drink and we sat chatting about this and that until about 3.45am when he seemed to drift off to sleep but I kept checking on him and at 5.20am I asked if he'd managed to sleep and he said not much just dozed.
I feel he's worrying about what the dr said yesterday yet when I ask he says he doesn't know why as all it is now is a waiting game.
Will ask him later about the minister again...